he reeked of decaying cologne
caught me sniffing
counting
the number of days it’s been
since he last showered

i hand him my towel:
a bleached baby pink
dirt infested
expanse of fluffy cotton 

i fake a sneeze
he looks unimpressed
insulted
shuts the bathroom door with a perfected bang
i open two little windows and breathe

346 seconds waltz by me
in high heels
ticking
me off
too late, i halt my wait 

the next door neighbour is in his 40s
knock knock, do i look desirable enough
desperate enough
aching enough 

he holds me in his arms
as i drink in his stale sweat
offers me ice cold water
two mouthfuls
& I am puking on his blue linen shirt 

i run back home
he is out on the porch
swallowing sunlight
sweat beads laugh at me as they drop to the floor and vaporize
i see bacteria dancing on his fingertips
they turn to stare at me
i scream.

i catch a train to elite society
musk drenched men
scraped clean off the human scent
kiss my hand, invite me in

i prance into them
their dry-cleaned faces
freshly washed, freshly pressed shirts
i look for a flash
a speck
of yellow in their wide grins
i search for dirt under their neat fingernails
i peel off the branded socks
their feet smell like spring
i panic.

Sometimes
I become the sky. 

The heavy clouds that bottle up water like I bottle up honesty. An uneven surface. Unable to pick a single colour to paint myself in. Scattered personalities. Lighter here, darker over there. Circling in an orbit of insequrity. Disintegrating. Killing parts of me to put together a front that is not entirely shapeless. 

A careless artwork. 

Withering wallflower, shy moon
Your despair is choking the night sky
These cruel clouds are closing in on you
Your scream is rattling my rooftop
These cheap tricks, sweet nothings
Playing peek-a-boo with teary eyed humans
I have caught you red handed
Doing somersaults in the guilt pool
Tearing down clouds, trying to get a clear view from crowded windows

Moth eaten moon
Tell me about the monsters who break you
Half one day and quarter the next
Breaking and forming in an endless loop
Teach me to heal the way you do
Brave celestial wonder
Battling Zeus in your spare time
Blinding clouds until they melt

Blush not, sweet saviour
Send a moonbeam my way before the universe paints you black
It knows
It knows
That you are guilty
Of wanting to shine.

Her mother was on the floor again. 
Collapsing like an ancient building that gave in to the hundredth storm that hit it. 
Breaking like her grandmother’s favorite china did when daddy came home with emptiness in his eyes, alcohol in his veins, and rage ruling his tongue. 

Her mother was crying again. 
Her pain was loud tonight. 
Her pain echoed through the narrow streets of their neighborhood. 
Her pain screamed from a thousand amplifiers. 
Reverberating in every corner of the universe. 

She was seven. 
Not every wise. Not designed to understand separation. 
Her heart was kind. 
The kind of kind that shares a favourite cookie with the worst enemy. 
She sat next to her mother and whimpered. 
Sorrow oscillated from mother to child. 
Child to mother. 

Some children break before they blossom. 

A fleet of missed opportunities
Raging in their hunger for revenge
Seek shelter in my bones
From the unexpected torrent of regret I’m feeding them 

This is a game
Of vengeance 

My role here is to fail miserably
To concede to this fiery fleet
Accept my defeat
My faults
Without offering explanations 

Explanations
Tend to dull the satisfaction of revenge
Put a lid
On the amount of appropriate violence 

“We don’t want that
We don’t want to stop”

Cut
Torn
Weakened

Black-eyed disaster

Thread of life,
Shredded 

One hundred seconds to live 

The fleet grins
At corpses of their unborn kin
Lying exposed under my skin 

A droplet of tragedy has been sucked out from this world

Opportunities,
You will be missed. 

Teach me

Teach me
the art of knitting words that dont break under the pressure of  being forgotten
to wound hearts with poetry,
to dance to the rhythm of blank verses,
to unbound texts of foreign languages and gaze at them for hours on end
Not really understanding but gloating over the unsung words earnestly
Teach me
to break souls like I break myself
the speech of the pretenders who have tattooed masks onto their tongues
to mend their shattered souls that cry for identity, turning to slime just to fit into every mold of human desire
Teach me
to tear apart every construct of this universe
Too many stars have exploded already
Teach me
to cure this world
and I’ll teach you
to destroy.

sparkly bulbs on rooftops,
snowmen bleeding from carrot noses,
trees weighed down by carefully hidden Christmas presents,
stars donning giant costumes and waiting to be discovered, 
scent of freshly baked cakes, 
a starlit evening,
silent celebration, 
slow knocks on wooden doors,
joyous gathering of crumbling souls,
seeking solace in wine bottles,
snatching mistletoe berries, 
smashing them under nimble feet, 
five thousand steps to salvation,
i take one.